Throughout history, the possibility of the existence of God has plagued mankind. Does He exist? What is God? Does He love us? Is He even a he? It's enough to send you insane, and its horrible connotations and aggressive forming of cognitive dissonance is believed to be the leading cause of the medical condition known as Philosopher's Bassoon, a terrible infliction which has halted the breeding of philosophers around the world, making them an endangered species.
But after many centuries of thorough investigations, numerous debates, scientific studies and an exhaustive theological examination by the Catholic Church known as The Cupertino Tickle, it is finally recognised that God, The Creator, does indeed exist, but the only time God interferes with events on Earth is when he warps the vinyl of someone he hates.
"It's a hard truth," said Pope Francis. "People ask me all the time: 'how can God allow such terrible things to happen like plague, famine and war?' And I say to them: God does not allow these things to happen, Mankind allows these things to happen. And they say to me: 'but what of my vinyl? It got warped.' And I can only shake my head sadly and say: then God hates you, my child. He really hates you."
"Then I throw a holy water balloon at them and tell them to fuck off."
Pope Francis thinks about the souls of people who have experienced warped vinyl
There is, believe it or not, historical precedence for this revelation. In 1964, famous philosopher and philanthropist Winston Churchill said: "Of all the calamities bestowed upon men, none is so obvious that God hates you than the warping of your vinyl. The being that can disfigure your records wields a power more durable, more terrible, than that of a great king." He then drank four bottles of Cointreau and passed out holding a warped copy of Sam Cooke's Ain't That Good News LP close to his flabby bosom. His wife, Clementine Churchill, cried a lot - we can only assume due to their ruined record collection and also possibly because she was named after a fruit.
And in 1446 BC, King Ramses II was dismayed to discover his vinyl warped beyond playability - after not allowing the Israelites their freedom - in an event known as The Ten Plagues Of Egypt, which saw the Egyptian people beset with terrifying catastrophes such as rivers filled with blood, locusts eating everything in sight and of course the aforementioned devastation of everyone's record collection.
"Look, I saved up for ages to buy this Technics turntable set up," Ramses II was noted saying, "and I've got to have something to play on it. If we're not careful with this Moses geezer then we could lose all the data to this amazing audio technology and it might be thousands of years before it is discovered again."
"To be honest, it was staring at us right in the face," said historian and critically-acclaimed novelist Samantha Honkmeister. "There's a huge number of historical figures that have lost their vinyl to God's wrath. And I'm sorry to say it, but if one or more of your records have been warped, then God must really, really hate you."
God damn it... literally.
This "record warping of biblical proportions" isn't just located in history, unfortunately. Many people today experience the realisation that God hates them when they open their new album to discover the record looks like something that wouldn't be amiss from the finale of Child's Play 2, or when they pull out an old favourite that's been pressed up against a hardcover copy of Stephen King's It for three years and see that their 12" now looks like a Salvador Dali painting come to life.
"It does sadden me that God not only goes out of his way to warp the vinyl of people he hates," said Professor Brian Glansthrob, physicist and professor of Jesus Studies at the University of Science & Facts. "But also allows things like child cancer, child abuse, violent conflicts in which innocent children die, and those horrible parasites that burrow into the eyes of children and blinding them, to exist."
"Come to think of it, maybe God really hates children too."
God spots someone he hates and warps their vinyl (dramatisation)
"Why did God create wasps?" Professor Glansthrob asks. "Why did God create dandruff? Why does God allow TV commercials to exist, or toilet paper that isn't strong enough, or for you to have that weird sex thing that you like but are too embarrassed to tell anyone about? We don't know, but what we do know is that God does exist. And if your vinyl is warped, then God hates you. And that's just a scientific fact now."
- Mark Anthony Finch