A new bombshell was dropped today when it was revealed - in leaked deleted footage from Oprah's thrush-inducing interview with the former Prince of the Britons and his shiny wife - that their split from the Royal Family was actually due to a disagreement as to which audio format was the best.
"I have too much respect for my grandmother to tell her that picture discs just don't sound as good as regular vinyl," Harry said, "but she insists on playing them and when she does I have to leave the room. Collecting them to look at is one thing, but she actually plays them. I couldn't stand it any more."
Harry recalled the time his grandmother Elizabeth II, the Queen Of The Englands, got her hands on a mint copy of Deicide's Stench Of Redemption on picture disc from Discogs. "I said, 'couldn't you have just got that limited edition splatter variant? Or at least the regular black version that's more authentically metal?' She just stared at me and then played Death To Jesus at full volume."
"She didn't reply to you at all?" Oprah asked.
"She may have said something under her breath that sounded like 'ninja cant,' but I think I misheard her. For one thing, I was under the impression that ninjas could. Ninjas are great, they can do anything."
The British Royal Family are no strangers to music machines.
England, 1941: The Queen Mother - aka Elizabeth 1.5 - tests out the prototype 'Chattanoogaphono' (an electronic device that detected Nazi aircraft whilst simultaneously playing the music of Glenn Miller) by having the soundwaves pumped directly into her sagging breasts, as was the tradition at the time.
Harry's wife, former Suits co-star and Piers Morgan's imaginary ex-girlfriend Meghan Markle, was keen to spill the beans on the phonographic goings-on at the Palace while she had been imprisoned there.
"William and Kate, my brother and sister-in-law, would sometimes come rushing in completely unannounced with an Aldi plastic shopping bag full of audio cassettes. Not just proper albums, but actual C-60 and C-90 cassettes with radio shows recorded on them. At least, they told us they were radio shows, but it always turned out to be recordings of them putting on silly voices and humming songs."
"I wish they were the ones that had been silenced."
Oprah asked Meghan what her preferences were in regards to music playback.
"As a full-time working mother, I don't unfortunately have much time to sit down and enjoy the deep, earthy warmth of vinyl," she explained. "If Harry's here then sometimes we get to [do that], but if I'm out feeding the chickens or just busy bustling around the house, I'll pop some bluetooth earbuds in and stream the music. It doesn't sound as good but it's convenient."
"Sometimes you have to sacrifice quality for convenience," Harry chimed in.
"Are you referring to your father's affair and subsequent marriage to Camilla Parker Bowles?" Oprah asked.
"No comment," Harry replied.
Meghan Markle sporting the Skullcandy Q-1011 Bluetooth FM Receiver with Diamond Invisible Earbuds™
Meghan continued: "I do love vinyl though. It's actually how Harry and I met."
"You met because of your shared love of vinyl?" Oprah asked.
"Yes absolutely. It was at the Moseley Record Fair, in Birmingham. We both reached for the same Anal Cunt LP, which one was it again?"
Harry: "Everyone Should Be Killed."
"Oh yes, that's right. And our hands touched, our eyes met... and that was that."
"But who bought the album?"
"Oh Harry was a complete gentleman," Meghan explained. "Like a true member of the Royal Family, he stole it and then gave it to me later."
"I love record fairs," Harry said. "They remind me of my childhood, hanging around Beanos in Croydon with my father. Of course, he also played records back then. Now he only really listens to CDs, because his fat fingers just ruin any record he touches. I think that's the real reason we drifted apart. Not because he treated my mother appallingly and dislikes my wife. I think it's because he ruined so many of my mother's records, a lot of which had to be thrown away after he got his over-sized digits all over them. The vinyl which weren't completely buggered were eventually replaced with CDs, I wasn't even given the option to keep them for myself. I don't mind CDs, not in the slightest, but come on. Sometimes you want to listen to Jefferson Airplane on wax, not CD, you know?"
Prince Charles handling vinyl (pic #1) before his fingers got too ill (pic #2)
"I cannot even begin to to tell you how much pleasure collecting records has been for me over the years," Harry said. "Sometimes it was the only relief I could find, during the very dark periods.
When I was 14 I won a school medal for collecting the most vintage Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band records in the entire school. I got 50 house points that term, and was made top crumpeteer for the prefects."
"I'm hoping we can get our children into listening to records," said Meghan. "I've got the entire Brutal Truth back-catalogue for them to get stuck into when they're like 4 or 5."
"Sorry, what's a 'catalogue?'" Oprah asked.
"Oh I'm sorry!" Meghan exclaimed. "It's from spending so much time surrounded by British people, my accent has changed a little. I meant 'catalog.'"
Prince Harry - aged 14 - receives a Victorian Crosley in recognition for his achievement in record collecting
"So, no-one else in the family listens to vinyl?" Oprah asked.
"Well, my grandfather used to, of course, but he's entering the third phase of his life-cycle now, so all of his internal organs, ears, eyes etc are shutting down while his new host body is prepared. I'm sure once the ritual is complete and he has accomplished total transference he will be spinning his 78s again!"
Prince Philip's transference to his new host body is expected to be complete by no later than 2023.
"Camilla likes MiniDisc," Meghan said.
"Of course she fucking does," Harry sighed.
"She told me that once while we were out shooting peasants. Or is it pheasants?" Meghan laughed and turned to her husband for support.
"It depends on the day," Harry said, patting her arm affectionately. "But it doesn't really matter anymore. Not now we've moved away from our massive house into this slightly less massive house."
"Yes, anyway Camilla says to me 'you know, MiniDisc really is future-proof. I saw them used in that movie, you know the one set in the future. Like if little CDs and cassette tapes had their own babies, wonderful!' I wanted to punch her in her wrinkly, flabby mouth but life had been hard enough at the palace. I didn't want to cause a scene."
"What about Prince Andrew?" Oprah asked. "What format does he prefer?"
"Well," Harry said. "Uncle Andrew doesn't really listen to music. He just watches a lot of 8mm films about children that cry a lot. Not sure what that's about."
No music? No sweat.
"So, to be honest, I was very frustrated arguing with them all the time about which format was the best," Harry continued. "And it all finally came to a head when I'd pre-ordered the new Chromatics LP Faded Now. It's listed as a "lucky dip" variant so you don't know which colour you'll get until you open it, which sounds pretty fun to me. But unfortunately conversations were being had about what the "mysterious colour of the vinyl would be" once it arrived. Conversations that, quite frankly, I just wasn't happy about, so for the sake of my - and my wife's - sanity, I got us out of there.
I don't care about the colour. I like vinyl, it sounds great, and that's all there is to it."
Oprah was left gobsmacked, understandably so. It's not known exactly why this candid material was excised from the footage that was aired, but Princess Anne was reportedly seen by some eyewitnesses entering CBS headquarters on horseback whilst dual-wielding two over-under double-barrelled shotguns a mere two days before the broadcast. Make of that what you will.
"Oh, and in case you were wondering," Meghan said as the chickens were getting restless and the interview was finally wrapping up, "Princess Anne likes 8-track."
- Mark Anthony Finch