In an unexpected state of affairs, the new Vinyl-Scented Car Freshener by UK company HipHyperopo - completely dispelling the myth that British ingenuity would collapse after Brexit - has penetrated the automobile deodoriser market with such force that other companies in the field have been left reeling.
The little device, resembling a record player, is attached to one of the dashboard's air vents. A small scented disc, the "record," is placed on the turntable and spins as the air blasts through it, giving it the appearance of being played. The discs come in a variety of fragrances, with enough range to ensure the happiness of just about any audiophile who also happens to like cars and driving and stuff.
"I just don't know what we're going to do now," said Apple CEO Tom Cock. "We've just manufactured hundreds of thousands of apple-scented car fresheners called the iTang. You can order different variants of apple smells - from Golden Delicious to Pink Lady - from the Apple Store with a monthly subscription of $20.99 plus tax and an additional shipping cost. To keep up with advancing technological achievements in the field of car freshness, the iTang only works if there's another Apple product nearby, like an iWatch, iPad, iPhone, or whatever else has our logo on it and costs a lot. This was set to be a SLAM DUNK, but now that these vinyl-scented car fresheners are around... now I'm not so sure."
"We're ruined," said pine-scented tree car freshener magnate Jonathan Elitist-Whiteman, of the Elitist-Whiteman dynasty. "Years of faithfully and dutifully making cars smell like the sort of pine air freshener you'd find in a rest-stop toilet and this is how we're treated by the car-driving public. I hope they all get Anosmia."
No.
Despite other professionals in the world of conveyance fumigation showing much animosity towards the plucky up-comers HipHyperopo, members of the automobiling public have been more than supportive.
"Finally, my car doesn't smell like fake strawberries and mint," said audiophile & driving enthusiast Barry Bumbletard. "Now my car smells like my favourite Rolling Stones record. As a record collector and driver of cars, this is exactly what I needed to solve the biggest problem in my life. The guy who created this must be the second incarnation of Jesus."
"No longer will our cars have to have those dangly tree-things that smell of pine or something," said spokeswoman for HipHyperopo, Hilary Habipat. "These are far more eye-pleasing and nose-twanging than anything else on the market."
"Absolutely," said HipHyperopo Project Manager Penelope Pabahat. "No-one wants their Volvos to smell like artificial fruit or trees anymore, particularly not fervid record collectors such as us. With the Vinyl-scented Car Freshener, you can buy discs that smell like the Suzi Quatro Can The Can 7" from 1973, or Fleetwood Mac's Rumours LP. My favourite happens to be the Night Visions Imagine Dragons LP fragrance. That one was to appeal to our younger fanbase, and to people who don't really like music even though they think they do."
Awwwwwwww
Harold Holipops, the creator of the Vinyl-scented Car Freshener, and founder of HipHyperopo, recalls the moment he was inspired to manufacture the nifty doodad.
"I was listening to some of my records," Harold Holipops remembers. "And I came across some of the records I used to have as a kid. After giving them a quick wipe clean, I noticed that they still smelled the same as I remember them smelling back when I was just a young whippersnapper who wasn't riddled with all of the various ailments I have now that I am in my fifties. And I thought to myself 'why not bottle that smell?' And after spending all my life-savings on science experiments and all that kind of tomfoolery trying to make it happen, I finally figured out how to do it. And so, here we are."
Other scents currently available include Moby's Play, The Joshua Tree by U2 and Klaus Doldinger's Das Boot Original Soundtrack LP with many more scents being made available over the next few months such as Madonna's Like A Virgin and Fish by Shitkid.
"Thanks to me, you can now buy an air freshener for your car that not only looks like a turntable playing a record, but also smells like a Michael Jackson Thriller first pressing," said Harold Holipops. "Personally, I think this somewhat makes me the second incarnation of Jesus."
- Mark Anthony Finch