With only 85% of the movies set for release in 2022 being a remake, reboot or sequel, Hollywood is banking on this year being remembered as a time of great originality & creativity and not a year in which anything bad happens at all.
"Forget about all the bad stuff," said Marvel Disney executive Kevin Beige. "Just concentrate on all the Marvel films we've got coming out! I think we're at about Phase 4 now so hopefully no-one gets that mixed up with the movie about super-intelligent ants taking over the world because that's not what's happening in reality at all no sir."
"Yes!" Agreed 20th Century Fox Disney executive Adam Boytoucher. "Moving shapes! Different colours! It's going to be great, or at least an approximation of what we think is great!"
"Absolutely," Pixar Disney executive Jim Moribund said. "There's going to be flashing images and all kinds of shapes and colours. Not to mention numerous noises too! Some will be loud, some will be quiet, most will be something in-between but I for one am very excited about getting more money."
"I agree with my rivals," said Lucasfilm Disney executive Kathy Kidstrangler. "Sure the Star Wars movie franchise has been an utter shitshow but have you seen my bank balance? I can't remember if we've got another Star Wars movie coming out this year but whatever. No, John Boyega won't be involved. Have you seen my bank balance?"
So here are 20 of the films Hollywood executives are hoping we spend money on seeing in 2022, and wow what a list it is!
Following on from the previous instalment in this never-ending attempt to capture the magic of the original and failing every time, Jurassic Park 6: Jurassic World 3 sees humans and dinosaurs attempting to co-habit the Earth in an amicable manner. When Character (Chris Pratt) is partnered up with Short-Armed Terry - a Tyrannosaurus Rex newly assigned to the LAPD - to solve a series of murders in Los Angeles which appear to have been perpetrated by a lone velociraptor, Character must learn to overcome his prejudices if he is to stop the spate of killings. Things are made even more complicated however when he discovers that the sex worker he has been seeing on the sly - in order to satiate his desire to be bound, gagged and humiliated - is Short-Armed Terry's wife! Hilarity ensues as he tries to keep his relationship a secret from his new partner and his friends / token human woman love interest in this rollercoaster ride of things happening.
It's a new Batman film! We all like Batman, don't we? And with this iteration promised to be the "darkest Batman movie ever made ever my God it's so fucking dark!" we can only tighten our sphincters up with anticipation and try not to wonder why The Riddler looks like a middle aged man with a questionable green wax coat fetish.
DC attempt to cash in on that multiverse trend that's going around now by having several nostalgias all in the same movie! Fast Guy sees Speedy Gonzales inadvertently possess the body of Barry (Ezra Miller), allowing him the ability to go very fast indeed. Expect more than one Batman, humorous quips and at least one scene where Speedy doesn't know if he'll be able to go fast enough to fulfill his mission, but somehow manages it due to the power of self-belief / love / family / friendship.
Eddie Redmayne unfortunately returns as Newt, the little girl who survived a devastating attack on her colonial home by aggressive xenomorphs. Now all grown up, Newt must come to terms with her gender identity whilst capturing beasts and fighting wizards in the third instalment of whatever the fuck this is.
Aquatic shenanigans abound when superhero Fish Stick (Jason Momoa) teams up with his mother & abusive girlfriend to fight something both under AND over water! Expect CGI, big ol' sea monsters, returning characters and Nicole Kidman trying to emote with two tonnes of botox pumped into her face.
Johnny Knoxville and his friends return for more pain! All the popular performers are back: the one everyone likes, the one who was a dick to his parents, the one who has a face on him all the time, the one who's obviously suffering brain damage, the one all the straight ladies like, the one no straight ladies like, and the one who really needs the money (although that could be argued that that's all of them). Thankfully not shot in 3D.
Kenneth Branananananarrgh returns as Belgian sleuth Berkule Poisson in this $90 million dollar follow-up to the over-rated Munters On The Orient Excess. Not much is known about this movie so far, apart from all the things we already do actually know about it due to this being about the 68th iteration of the classic novel. Will Kenneth Branananananarrgh once again prove that he doesn't have the charisma to play Berkule Poisson? At least Gal Gadot's face is in it.
Already under fire for its poster design and the inclusion of Mark Wahlberg, Indiana Jones Xtreme! also has the distinction of being an adaptation of - and prequel to - the beloved Uncharted videogame series (not to be confused with the previous movies in the Indiana Jones But A Lady: Xtreme! franchise - based on the Tomb Raider videogame series - of which there were three films, one of which was a prequel based on a prequel to the videogame series, but with different actors and a slightly different but not completely different backstory). Tom Holland will perform as Nathan "Fillion" Duck, going off on an adventure and doing things, no doubt with amazing CGI stunts and death-defying green screen work. Will this buck the trend of videogame movie adaptations being anything more than average at best? We'll wait to hear what Uwe Boll thinks.
Not A Remake Of Romancing The Stone Apparently is, apparently, not a remake of the 1984 sleeper hit Romancing The Stone, despite its similar plot synopsis. Little else is known or has been seen about the movie at this stage other than all the weird forced comedy promotional footage that keeps cropping up as Youtube ads.
Surprising everyone by not being totally crap, Manic The Hedgehog proved that you could actually adapt a videogame into a movie and have it turn out completely average. That being said, it was nice seeing Jim Carrey back on the cocaine again and as such infusing the film with his fast, crazy energy -- something that was otherwise bizarrely lacking in a story about a revved-up hedgehog from another dimension. The sequel promises to have even more loud noises in it and also fan favourite character Tails, a fox who can fly. Hallucinogenic drugs recommended.
A remake of Danish hit Ambulancen (which means "screaming death automobile" in its native tongue) about two thieves who hijack the titular vehicle, little realising that a paramedic and their critically ill patient are still on board. Initially expectations were high as this was set to be a tense-as-nails low-key thriller with a great cast but, when people found out Michael Bay was directing, expectations were lowered again when it was realised that something - or more likely numerous things - would probably explode at some point.
Robert Eggers' third feature film (after The Witch NOT "The VVitch" You Idiots and The Whathouse), The Narfman continues his trend of prefixing the titles of his movies with the word "The." It promises to be quite the experience: not only do we get another chance this year to witness Nicole Kidman trying to show emotion without physically being able to move her face but we also get to see the "Black-Footed Cat of pop" singer Björk acting for the first time in nearly two decades! Featuring an amazing cast - and also Ethan Hawke - and an unusual theatrical aspect ratio because it's Robert Eggers.
The surprisingly charming Bottle Blonde - about a ditzy piece of sentient bubblegum taking human form and learning how to become a lawyer - was a sleeper hit on its release in 2001, so much so that they ruined it by releasing a gammy sequel two years later. After producing lots of goodwill on the back of the pretty damn good stage musical adaption in 2007, the team are back to rub your nostalgia glans in the hope that you'll just remember the good stuff. Reese Witherspoon - possibly named after a chain of pubs in the UK - will more-than-likely return as Elle Woods, a woman with a heart as big as her pink-enveloped dog is small (not a euphemism).
Horse-faced actor extraordinaire Benedict Cumberbatch returns as the doctor of strange things Professor Weird-Bastard in what some people are already calling a must-see movie in the MCU franchise, which coincidentally will now only make sense if you've also seen Wandavision, Loki, What If...? and numerous other shows exclusively available on Disney + because spend more money. Hopefully with Sam Raimi directing this will be more Evil Dead 2 and less Oz The Great And Powerful.
When top spy Stirling Archer falls into a coma, he dreams that he is Bob Belcher, a hard-working yet destined-to-fail burger chef whose family will almost certainly be the death of him. Based on the animated series Burger-Bobs, the movie version promises to have the same humour, irreverence and musical outbursts as its TV original, only this time in WIDESCREEN. Contrary to popular belief, this is NOT an animated remake of Hamburger Hill.
Tom Cruise returns as Mave Rick, the cocky king of the cockpit, in this money-grabbing nostalgia-honking sequel to the overrated 80s bromoerotic Top Gun! Tony Scott - the director of the original - couldn't return to helm this due to being dead, so they got the guy who made TRON: Legacy instead. Yes, that really is Tom Cruise wearing his own helmet! Incredible!
Unable to let a great franchise pass away with any segment of dignity, Disney prods Pixar into extracting more milk from the Toy Story teat with this Buzz Lightyear prequel for fuck's sake. Will Woody make a cameo somehow? Will this prequel retcon events from the other films? Why does Buzz now sound like Chris Evans? One thing's for certain though: they'll try and give a deeper meaning to the catchphrase "To infinity and beyond!" as part of his origin story instead of it just being an in-universe gimmick to sell toys, the irony being of course that this prequel is just a gimmick to sell toys.
Oh those cheeky Onions, running around after bananas and whatnot! This latest instalment in the Despicable Me universe sees the Onions doing what they do best: ewok-voiced shenanigans which some will find endearing and others so utterly obnoxious that they'll want to tear their ears & eyes out. Either way: a fun day at the cinema for all the family!
The 28th Halloween movie promises to be the last, but will it actually be the end of the franchise? There hasn't been a good Halloween film in over 30 years but it still keeps chugging along, just like Michael Myers himself, so hopefully Evil will actually die tonight... 'evil' being money-grabbing studio executives eager to zap us horror fans with little jolts of nostalgia energy to instigate a rush of nostalgia foreplay to our erogenous zones, then massaging our brain's memory centres in order to lubricate our credit cards so they can slide in and have their way with our now relaxed bank accounts. Or something.
James Cameron has finally announced that the second instalment in his 3D Visuals And A Shit Plot franchise should actually be ready this year, 13 years after the original (well, I say "original") blazed across cinemas like a highly contagious virus that did such a good job of being a virus that it changed a lot of things and not necessarily for the better. Return to the world of Toratoratora and its native people, the blue-skinned Twats Of The Forest, and human Jake Scully - now permanently affixed in his avatar - as they protect their precious minerals and trees and animals and crap from evil corporations like the studio who made this film. This sequel will hopefully answer the biggest question that's been on our minds since the first one: is Sam Worthington a genuine charisma vacuum or was it just that his character was horribly written last time? I literally can wait to find out.
Cheese.
Well, that's certainly a lot of titles to look forward to isn't it? And with only 85% of them reboots, remakes or sequels I'd say that 2022 is going to be an absolute treat for people who are just passing the time until they die.
BUT WAIT!
Speaking of sequels and passing the time until you die...
WSTS Picaroon Platters Goes To The Movies! Part III
It's the latest in our digital mixtape movie soundtrack series, created for our Mixcloud channel WSTS Picaroon Platters Radio! A feature-length mix of selected songs, scores and soundtrack snippets from some well-known - and some more obscure - films! All linked in one way or another by the number 3, seeing as this is Part III and all.
You can listen to the mix for free by going directly to Mixcloud here!
Alternatively you can use the handy widget embedded in this page directly underneath this paragraph! As always, going in blind is my recommendation but if you'd rather see the tracklist first, you can find it directly underneath the Mixcloud player. Listen to it now and forget that I ever mentioned a super-intelligent ant invasion.
WSTS PICAROON PLATTERS GOES TO THE MOVIES! PART III
By
WSTS Picaroon Platters Radio
(compiled & mixed by Mark Anthony Finch
The tracklist:
Enjoy!
- Mark Anthony Finch
Twitter @WidescreenPurr